Snippets from The Daily Prophet
by drinehart
Summary: Just a few random stories from The Daily Prophet, starting with the first issue.


**Snippets from **_**The Daily Prophet**_

**Author's note: This is just a random sampling of stories that have appeared in **_**The Daily Prophet **_**over the years. This is an expanded version of a work previously published elsewhere.**

_From the June 17, 1632 issue of The Weekly Prophet (this was the first issue; it wouldn't become The Daily Prophet for another 84 years)_

**Lord Baltimore Founding Wizard Colony in America**

Wizengamoot Elder Sir George Calvert, Lord Baltimore, announced this week that he was recruiting settlers for a settlement of Catholic witches and wizards in a new American colony to be called Maryland.

"The new lands being opened up with this colony are some of the richest and most fertile to be found in the New World," Lord Baltimore said. "Muggles have been settling the New World for years, and I and some of my colleagues felt this was a good time to establish wizardry in the New World, before all the good land is gone. Also, it's increasingly hard for Catholics in England these days, and we think it might be better if we went elsewhere."

Lord Baltimore and his company are recruiting farmers, smiths, carpenters, master potioneers, wand makers, broomstick makers and others for this new venture. They prefer young couples or singles with children no younger than 3, although Lord Baltimore said anyone with a necessary skill would be welcome.

They have acquired two boats, the Ark and the Dove, and plan to set out this fall with the first load of settlers, mainly the farmers, carpenters and smiths who can grow food and prepare housing for the second batch of settlers next spring.

The first colonists will also be taking along a colony of bowtruckles.

"Oddly enough," Lord Baltimore said, "there are no bowtruckles in the New World. Since they're dead useful for protecting trees, especially trees with wand quality wood, we're going to see if we can establish a colony."

_From the October 12, 1692 issue of The Weekly Prophet_

**Muggles Burn "Witches" in New World**

Reports have recently been received about Muggles burning supposed witches in the American colony of Massachusetts. According to our Massachusetts correspondent, a witchcraft hysteria has broken out there, and 19 people have been hanged. An 80-year-old man was crushed to death under a load of heavy rocks for refusing to stand trial.

Wizard officials in the colony claim that all of the victims, as well as hundreds still in jail awaiting trial, are, ironically, all Muggles.

"We're not really sure what set this off," Cecil Iverton of the American Wizengamoot said. "None of our people has been caught or even accused, and we're fairly sure no one's done anything to violate our secrecy. But the Muggles have gone insane, especially this one group of young girls. We aren't even capable of some of the things they've accused so-called witches of doing."

This is not the first time Muggles have gone on supposed purges of witches and wizards. There have been dozens of these recorded throughout history, but the existing records show that only a small handful were actually witches or wizards. Of these, all managed to escape through Flame Freezing Charms, Confundus Charms or similar measures. There are no historical records of Muggles ever actually convicting and executing a witch or wizard.

_From the August 7, 1722 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**Vicious Hippogriff Condemned**

Giltfeather, the hippogriff that savaged its owner back in April, has been condemned to death by the Committee for the Disposal of Magical Creatures. He will be beheaded and disemboweled Tuesday of next week.

"This mad beast is a danger to us all," Committee Chairman Florence Vibstubber said. "Mrs. Gumpten, its owner, was very badly mauled and almost died because of its attack. The Committee felt it was best for all concerned if the beast is destroyed."

Mrs. Gumpten told The Daily Prophet, "Raised it from a baby, I did, never showed it nothing but kindness. And then it nearly hacked me arm off when I tried to feed it while I had a case of the Blinks. Right good thing we're rid of it, I can tell you."

_From the June 20, 1815 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**Wizards Aid in Final Defeat of French Menace**

Yesterday's defeat of the evil French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo, a small town just south of Brussels, was aided at least in part by British wizards, the Ministry of Magic revealed late last night.

"When the history of the final defeat of that French ba- person is written," Minister of Magic Ordo Bognar said, "let it be noted that the wizard world worked right alongside the Muggles to bring him down to a well-deserved end."

Besides wizard soldiers in the Duke of Wellington's army, British wizards also managed to infiltrate Bonaparte's headquarters.

"A very well-timed Confundus Charm placed on Marshall Ney led to his impulsive and ill-advised cavalry charge on the British infantry squares," Bognar said. "The soldiers ripped the cavalry to pieces, and thus it wasn't available later in the battle when a good, solid cavalry charge could well have broken the Coalition's lines."

Wizard guards stationed around the Duke were also able to thwart French efforts to cast spells on him and his entourage. French assassins attempted to use Unforgiveables on some of the Duke's men, but were stopped.

_(For full details of the battle, see the front page.)_

_From the September 6, 1892 issue of The Daily Prophet:_

_**Serious Breach of Regulations**_

"**Impossible" Creature Spotted by Muggles; Ministry Sends SWAT Team to Handle Crisis**

A Ministry of Magic _Special Wizard Authority for Trouble_ (SWAT) team was dispatched late yesterday to Puddleby-on-the-Marsh after receiving reports of illegal breeding experiments and possible exposure of the Wizarding world to Muggles. Dr. John Dolittle, MD, DVM, Hogwarts '79, was arrested and is awaiting trial on a variety of charges.

Dr. Dolittle is charged with breeding a two-headed beast called a pushmi-pullyu in violation of Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures regulations, a crime that could allow for up to 3 years in Azkaban. A much more serious charge, however, is that Dr. Dolittle allowed Muggle children to view the animal, and thus violated the International Code of Wizarding Secrecy, which could put Dr. Dolittle into prison for up to 35 years.

Ministry spokesman Edward Diggory seemed livid when announcing the arrest.

"This is the worst violation of the Secrecy Code in years. Decades! Dr. Dolittle not only _allowed _Muggle children to see his illegal cross breed, he actually _invited them _to come see it. We've fought for centuries to protect our secrets from Muggles, and this, this _criminal _chose to put us all at risk for his own gratification."

Obliviators modified the memories of all Muggle children known to be exposed to the creature. Spokesman Diggory, however, expressed fears that they may not have found all the children involved.

"Dolittle had apparently been inviting children to his home for some time before his illegal activities were discovered. We've had Ministry Legilemens experts searching his memory to make sure we could get to all of them, but we're afraid there may be at least a few we don't know about. The Ministry will of course make every effort to be sure all exposed children are found, and their memories modified."

Dr. Dolittle is expected to face a trial in front of the full Wizangemot within the next fortnight. The pushmi-pullyu will be turned over to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures for disposition.

_From the April 21, 1907 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**Ministry issues warnings about latest Muggle inventions**

The Ministry of Magic today issued warnings to any witches or wizards interacting with Muggles to be careful of two recent inventions that could endanger their safety.

"Those creative Muggles have come up with two ingenious but dangerous devices that may pose safety hazards to the wizardng world," said George Mumford, head of the Muggle Relations office at the Ministry of Magic. "We're preparing pamphlets for all wizard households on these 'motorcars' and 'aeroplanes' the Muggles have started using."

"Motorcars" are like carriages, except they do not use horses, thestrals, hippogriffs or any sort of magic por magical creatures to move. Instead, they use something called an "engine" which is some sort of metallic devise that apparently can move around quite heavy loads. These "motorcars" tend mostly to be big and heavy, and some of them can move at speeds as high as 40-50 miles per hour.

Mumford warned wizards to be wary of getting in front of these things.

"Protego and other sorts of Shield Charms _do not work _with these infernal devices. If you get in front of one, there's a good chance it will run you down, possibly killing you or at least causing serious injury," Mumford said. "There have already been several deaths, and St. Mungo's reports an increasing number of broken bones, abrasions and other damage these 'motorcars' have caused."

And wizards aren't any safer by sticking to their broomsticks, Mumford added.

"It's not enough that Muggles endangers us on the ground," he said. "They've also come up with another device that flies, something they call an 'aeroplane'. These are even more dangerous than 'motorcars,' because they have a powerful spinning blade on the front which can chop a broomstick and its rider to bits."

Mumford warned anyone flying a broom to be sure to look around while in flight, to make sure they're not threatened by any of these 'aeroplanes'.

"They're pretty noisy, so you should be able to hear them coming, but the flying population should be on the alert anyway. Again, Protego and other Shield Charms are no defense against these things. Your best bet is to avoid them completely."

So far, Mumford said, these things seem to fly primarily in daylight hours. However, he warned people to be alert whenever they're on their brooms.

"There's no telling what those Muggles will do next," Mumford said. "They might even put lights on these things and start flying at night."

_From the March 12, 1921 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**Minister Race Heats Up; Fancourt Charges Boothby with Recklessly Endangering Wizard World**

The Minister for Magic election heated up several degrees today when Rutherford Fancourt charged Minister Claire Boothby with "recklessly endangering the wizarding world" by failing to stop publication in the Muggle world of the book "The Story of Dr. Dolittle: Being the History of His Peculiar Life at Home and Astonishing Adventures in Foreign Parts".

The book, as regular readers of this publication know, was written by Muggle Hugh Lofting and published last year to great acclaim both in England and America. In it, Mr. Lofting describes the adventures of Dr. John Dolittle, MD, DVM, Hogwarts '79, who was sent to Azkaban for illegal breeding of magical creatures, and exposing wizarding secrets to Muggles. Dolittle, who was sentenced by the Wizangemot to 30 years, is scheduled for release late next year.

Mr. Fancourt charged that Minister Boothby should have prevented the book from being published. "Mr. Boothby knew from the advance publicity the book was about to be published, and should have taken all necessary steps to stop it. This outrageous exposure of wizarding secrets to the Muggle world shows the incompetence of the current administration, its indifference to the safety and well-being of the witch and wizard on the street, and the pressing need for change at the Ministry."

A spokesman for the Ministry, Thomas Tatting, dismissed Mr. Fancourt's charges as "utter rubbish."

"The Ministry is greatly concerned about the welfare of the wizard world, and Minister Boothby has the situation well in hand. The book is considered a children's story by the Muggles; no one believes a word of it, and it poses no danger whatsoever. Mr. Fancourt is simply trying desperately to revive his failing campaign, and should focus on the _real _issues in this campaign- the importation of cheap foreign carpets."

_From the December 3, 1926 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**McTeague, Berndorf Form New Entertainment Company**

Wealthy Scot wizard Angus McTeague and Wizengamoot Elder Casimir Berndorf announced yesterday they have formed a new corporation aimed at bringing a Muggle invention called 'wireless' or 'radio' to the wizarding world.

"We're calling it the Wizarding Wireless Network Limited," McTeague and Berndorf said in a prepared statement released to reporters yesterday. "The Muggles use this 'wireless' thing to send music, news, plays and other forms of entertainment to Muggle homes, where they can enjoy it free. We think something similar can be done for the wizarding world, with _our _news and _our _music and _our _forms of entertainment."

The new company, funded at 100,000 Galleons, has already begun recruiting employees and will open headquarters in a small warehouse in Bognor starting next week. Actual 'broadcasts,' or sending out the music, news and other things, will wait until thee new company has developed some sort of device to receive and playback the sounds, as well as some way of sending them. Research wizards who have been investigating the use of magic within something Muggles call the "electromagnetic spectrum" say it's possible such 'broadcasting' could begin within a year.

_From the October 17, 1948 issue of The Daily Prophet_

**Wizarding World Aids Berlin Airlift**

Allied aircraft continue flying supplies into blockaded Berlin, and the wizarding world is helping defy Soviet efforts to seal off the city. Ministry of Magic officials told _The Daily Prophet_ yesterday that Ministry-trained wizards and witches are doing everything from helping guide Allied pilots to shrinking cargo to help each plane carry more urgently needed supplies.

"We keep a dozen or so WFS (Wizard Flying Service) fliers in the air along the airlift route at all times," Ministry spokeswizard Fred Aubrey said. "When pilots start to stray off course, these fliers use simple Memory charms to make them check their instruments and get back on the right flight path."

The same fliers, Aubrey said, have also used Confundus charms to confuse Soviet pilots, and keep them from harassing Allied cargo planes.

Aubrey said there are also a number of wizards helping to load the planes, and they've been using charms to shrink the cargo slightly. Other wizards helping to unload the planes in Berlin reverse the charms to return cargo to its original size. This has allowed the planes to fly in up to 10 percent more cargo than they could otherwise.

The Ministry is also doing other things to help the airlift succeed, but Aubrey refused to give details, citing security concerns.

"The Ministry is right alongside the Muggle world in recognizing the threat of Communism, and we'll do everything possible to stop the spread of it," Aubrey said.

_From the November 17, 2000 Daily Prophet_

**Magical tampering with American election?**

New controversy arose today in the disputed American presidential election when the New York Magic Times printed charges that pro-Bush wizards had tampered with Muggle voters in Florida. Citing an unnamed source inside the DuPont Administration, the magical world's equivalent of the Clinton Administration, the paper states that at least a dozen wizards and witches known to be expert at memory charms had been spotted near polling places in crucial swing-vote counties on election day.

"It's unprecedented," the unnamed source said. "Hundreds of Florida voters suddenly didn't know how to mark their ballots properly, and it just _happened _to occur at the polls where these wizards and witches are seen? Incredible."

The Muggle presidential candidates are locked in the closest election in U.S. history, with the contest coming down to a decision on who won Florida. "Hanging" and "dimpled" chads have now passed into the American electoral vocabulary and both the Bush and Gore campaigns have filed lawsuits in Federal and state courts to decide the outcome.

The Magic Times also cites an unnamed Florida election official who claims that the infamous "butterfly ballot" in Florida's Palm Beach County was modified by a secret group of Republican wizards the night before the voting.

"It was a perfectly normal ballot up to that night," the official said. "No one could possibly have voted for Pat Buchanan while thinking they were voting for Al Gore. But a small group of wizards, led by Republican activist Richard Tuck, Apparated into the room where the ballots were stored and spent all night altering them."

The confusion and uncertainty, 12 days after the election, has thrown the American political system into turmoil. Magic President DuPont has promised a full investigation by the Wizarding Bureau of Investigation (WBI), and any witches or wizards found to have tampered with the election will "pay the full penalty available under law." This could mean imprisonment for up to 15 years in the wizarding prison in Pierre, South Dakota, where inmates are kept under control by being subjected to constant reruns of the American television show _Bewitched._


End file.
